In A Moment of Panic
by some1lostme
Summary: When we are faced with life changing decisions, we panic.  And sometimes panicking leads to further life changing decisions, but it often works out for the best... GSR.  Spoilers ahead.
1. Butterflied

**Title: **In the face of the future, we panic.

**Pairing: **GSR

**Rating: **Teen

**Spoilers:** Butterflied.

**Summary:** My take on how GSR became cannon through reflections on past episodes...

The tension between you lately has been palpable, so much so that you often wish you had a knife so you can cut him off a little and hand him a clue. You'd thought that everything was going well, you'd been bantering with him again, smiling more, and you'd been having breakfast together after shift for nearly a month now. But three days ago, after a particularly long case, the two of you had agreed to breakfast at his place. You'd eaten and talked like you normally did but for some reason, something felt different, and you let the feeling get to you. He didn't stop looking at you as you sat together at his kitchen table and every now and then you thought you'd seen him reach for your hand, but he never followed through and his fingers lay inches from yours on the table.

But that wasn't what had caused this sudden tension between the two of you. It had been what happened as you were leaving that morning and, looking back on it, you can't help but think about how stupid you were. You thought he'd been ready, you'd thought that his hesitation was just nerves, and you'd thought that, if you made the first move, it would make things easier on him. So, standing at his front door with his hand on your back, you'd leaned forward and kissed him. And when he didn't kiss you back, you'd realized you mistake. The look on his face as you'd backed away from him hurt you more than anything and you'd muttered a quick apology and ducked out.

And that is how it had begun. Work the next day had been practically unbearable because he had simply stopped looking at you. But then the call had come in, 419 in Henderson, and you, Catherine and Warrick had been asked to accompany Grissom to the scene. When the four of you had arrived, he'd gone in first to do an initial walkthrough while yourself, Catherine and Warrick talked to Brass on the front lawn. You tried not to acknowledge the tension between the two of you, but when he'd taken an abnormally long time with his walkthrough, you became concerned.

You'd been staring at the front door of Debbie Marlin's house for nearly twenty minutes when it finally opened and Grissom stepped out onto the front step. His eyes locked with yours and you were suddenly very uncomfortable. When Grissom does break eye contact with you, you are left with a sinking feeling. You watch as he approaches the group of you and wait while he gives out assignments. When he tells you to take the perimeter, your blood boils and you snap at him before stalking off. He was the one who had worried that getting to close to you would interfere with work. Now he's avoiding you and keeping you from doing your job to the best of your ability. Maybe kissing him had been a terrible idea.

Three days have elapsed since Debbie Marlin had been murdered and Grissom hasn't left the crime scene, or he hasn't been in the lab, you aren't really sure. When you called to tell him about the hairs you found in the drain from the bathroom he seemed flustered and when you'd offered to come out and give him a hand, he'd shut the idea down entirely and hung up.

You spend your time at the lab between worried and annoyed. You know damn well that something is not right with this case, you've heard people talking, and you can see the affect that it's having on Grissom. He's more distracted than normal and you think he's been screening his calls because you've called at least four times and only reached his voicemail.

When Catherine calls from the crime scene to ask you to take prints of both victims toes, you can't help but ask her if Grissom is still there. When she's finished telling you that Grissom is still at the scene and that he's really obsessed with finding out who killed Debbie, you hang up the phone and struggle to keep yourself from crying. You know you shouldn't be jealous of Catharine but when you see the friendship that Grissom has with her, you can't help but wish he would share that with you.

You are sitting beside Debbie Marlin's body in the morgue and for the first time in your life, you are a little unnerved by a dead body. The whispering around the lab has not gone unnoticed and even though you are tempted to compare features with the woman on the table beside you, you are debating with yourself. When Greg first told you that the victim bore a strong resemblance to you, you were taken aback. You'd certainly heard of Doppelganger syndrome but you had never really taken an interest in it. But when you finished printing Debbie Marlin's toes your curiosity takes over and you roll your stool toward her face.

You're holding your breath as you sit and stare at her features. You feel slightly like you are looking at yourself in a funhouse mirror. Her profile is similar to yours and her bone structure is almost identical. You bring your fingers to your mouth as you stare at hers, tracing the outline of your lips with your fingers and the outline of hers with your eyes. You suddenly feel nauseous as you shove your stool back, gather your evidence, and rush out of the morgue.

Your feet take you to the locker room without your mind's approval. Catherine is sitting at her locker when you stop in the doorway. You ask her about Grissom before you can process the question and she tells you that he is still at the crime scene. When you don't move from your post, she asks you about Debbie, asks you if you've seen her. You shrug because you really don't want to have this conversation with Catherine. You want to find Grissom and tell him, show him, that you are not Debbie Marlin, that you are definitely alive. Your heart is beating like a jackhammer behind your ribs when she tells you that, if she didn't know better, she would think that you were the one lying on the table in the morgue. Bile rises in your throat and you lie through your teeth, telling her you didn't look at her face, and you quickly duck out of the room.

It seems like days have passed when you find yourself on the other side of the two way mirror watching Grissom's interrogation of Dr. Lurie. You watch silently as Brass and Grissom question your only suspect. He's arrogant and you aren't surprised that he doesn't deny his relationship with Debbie or that he seems unfazed by her murder. You watch as he and his lawyer stand, ready to leave, and you almost turn to go yourself but Grissom's voice stops you.

When he begins to speak, you are frozen on the spot, arms crossed over your chest. Your breathing is coming in shallow breaths and you feel tears burning in your eyes. As much as you love Gil Grissom, you sometimes think he is the most stubborn man you have ever met. _We wake up one day and realize that for fifty years we haven't really lived at all. But then, all of a sudden ... we get a second chance. Someone young and beautiful shows up. Someone we could... care about. _You want to hit him, hit the glass, you want to tell him that you're here. You want him to know that you care about him to. _She offers us a new life with her ... but we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it. _You've stopped listening now as Grissom finishes whatever he has to say to Lurie. He's right, he couldn't do it. But the knowledge that he wouldn't give up his work for you, for something more meaningful, feels like a stab to the heart. A tear burns a path down your cheek but that is the only one you let fall because you have finally decided that you are giving up on Gil Grissom.


	2. Nesting Dolls

**Title: **In the face of the future, we panic.

**Pairing: **GSR

**Rating: **Teen

**Spoilers:** Butterflied. Nesting Dolls.

**Summary:** My take on how GSR became cannon through reflections on past episodes...

You watch the tears fall from her eyes and your heart breaks for her. You have never felt this much sympathy for another person before and the feeling overwhelms you. The death grip she has on your hand is frighteningly real, as is the urge to protect her. You wish there was a way to erase her past, to take away the pain she's felt for the last twenty years of her life. No one should have to go through the terror that Sara went through and the feelings of rage rushing over you take you by surprise.

You've known for a long time now that the feelings that you have for her are greater than anything you've felt before and you've been afraid of those feelings for as long as you've had them. When Holly Gribbs was shot and the Sheriff asked you to bring someone in to run the IA investigation, you knew you had an excuse to see Sara again. You also knew you shouldn't feel that way knowing that Holly could die, but you couldn't avoid it. For the first few months after Sara arrived in Vegas you were more than happy to have her within arms reach. But it seemed that your bravery vanished because you never let Sara get any closer than arms length.

When Debbie Marlin was murdered a little over a year ago it only reinstated your biggest fears. The resemblance between Debbie and Sara was alarming and the affect that her case had on you was terrifying. You had never been so emotionally involved with a victim before but you could not stop yourself from seeing Debbie Marlin as Sara. Hearing Sara's voice while you searched for Debbie's killer was like facing a ghost and you pushed her further away. Your relationship with Sara before the Marlin case had been rocky and the fact that she had kissed you only a few days before had you frustrated and confused. A part of you had been aware that Sara had feelings for you, feelings not unlike those you felt for her, but you hadn't expected her to act on those feelings. And when she had kissed you, your reaction couldn't have been more damaging. When you had hidden your own personal confession in your speech to Dr. Lurie, you came to a final conclusion. You knew then and there that you would have to detach yourself from her, no matter how painful that would be, because you would not be the cause of her death.

What you hadn't expected, or at least, hadn't been prepared for, was Sara's reaction to your detachment. You pretended not to notice the alcohol on her breath or her short temper. You didn't want to believe that you were hurting her. But when you received the call from the desk sergeant that she'd been brought in under suspicion of a DUI, you were taken aback. You never believed that Sara would risk her job for anything. You didn't want to believe that she had risked her life. You had gone to the police station determined to take her home and hatch things out but when you saw her sitting there alone, your plan changed. You'd taken a seat beside her, taken her hand, and offered to drive her home. And that is exactly what you did because, no matter how much you wanted to reprimand her for being so reckless, the hurt and shame in her eyes broke you.

You can't help thinking that it has been nearly eight months since Sara's DUI and that nothing between the two of you has changed. The tension between you is still evident every time you are alone together and you aren't exactly sure how to change it. Even as Sara told you about her past, even as she sits across from you sobbing, your head and your heart are still conflicting over as to how you should be handling this.

Without really thinking you pull Sara from her chair opposite you until she is sitting beside you on her couch and she doesn't hesitate once as she leans into you and continues sobbing. Suddenly it hits you. You have wasted so many years where Sara is concerned and you don't want to waste anymore. You are in love with her.

You aren't sure how long the two of you sit together on her couch. Her sobs stopped a while ago and silence filled the apartment. She is curled into your side, her head on your shoulder, and you arm is wrapped around hers. You can't help thinking that holding Sara comes naturally to you and that you are not uncomfortable at all. Her fingers are playing with a thread on your jacket and you are watching the action intently. It isn't until she starts talking again that your eyes are drawn from her hands.

She begins strongly, telling you that she doesn't want you to stay with her out of sympathy. She reaffirms the fact that she does have feelings for you and that, unless you feel the same, you should probably go. It only takes you a moment to confirm for her that you are not leaving. When she asks you why you want to stay and why you came by in the first place, you hesitate. You have never been capable of expressing your feelings for someone adequately and you do not want Sara to underestimate how you feel about her. It is only when she says your name as a question that you begin to explain. You tell her about Holly Gribbs, about feeling ashamed of yourself for using Holly as an excuse to ask her to come to Vegas. You tell her about the conflict you've felt for years. You tell her that Debbie Marlin's murder kept you up at night because every time you closed your eyes, you saw her, Sara, posed on the floor of Debbie's shower. When you explain to her what was going through your mind the night that you picked her up at the station, you feel her shoulders tense under your arm. But you continue talking, telling her that, no matter what has happened between the two of you, you have always known that you could never live without her. And when your words make her cry, you simply tighten you arm around her and assure her that you will not leave her.


	3. Grave Danger

**Title: **In the face of the future, we panic.

**Pairing: **GSR

**Rating: **Teen

**Spoilers:** Butterflied. Nesting Dolls. Grave Danger.

**Summary:** My take on how GSR became cannon through reflections on past episodes...

You can't help watching Grissom as your team goes through this ordeal. He is angry, worried, scared, but he is still focused, still investigating. Nick has been underground for at least four hours now and Grissom has been watching the feed since he discovered it. You've been by his side since the news of Nick's kidnapping came in because you'd been with him for the entire day before.

As you stand silently by his side you cannot help but reflect back on the last three months of your life. It amazes you how quickly your relationship with Grissom shifted from co-workers, to friends, to lovers. Your first date was only six weeks ago but Grissom's persistence in making up for lost time has caused the beginning stages of your relationship to pass by in a blur. You've gone to breakfast together nearly every morning since the day you told him about your parents. You spend all of your days off together and you recently noticed that you've had more and more common days off as the weeks have gone by. Not that you would ever complain about being able to spend time with Grissom but his enthusiasm frightens you and you have to keep reminding yourself that you've waited a long time for this relationship.

You mutually decided that you would wait to tell the others about your relationship. It was a decision partially made because you are both terribly private people, but it was also made because, as is evident from your recent confrontation with Ecklie, you are still walking a thin line where your employment is concerned.

A sudden surge of guilt washes over you when Grissom pulls you from your thoughts as he addresses Nick on the video feed even though you both know that he cannot hear you. You glance at Nick's face, see the desperation in his feature, and you say a silent prayer for him. Nick is like a brother to you and you cannot help but feel overwhelmingly worried about him. But, at the same time, you are worried about the man in front of you. You have always had a strange connection with Grissom, both intellectually and emotionally, and you know that he feels responsible for the situation that Nick is in. As he glances over his shoulder at you, briefly taking his eyes off the monitor, you see the intense guilt residing there. His shoulders are visibly tense and you know that there are a million things in his head that he doesn't know how to say.

When you rest your hand on his shoulder he flinches slightly before relaxing into your touch. You carefully work out the knots under your fingers while he concentrates on the video monitor. You are surprised when one of his hands comes to rest on top of yours a few minutes later.

You are standing beside Grissom as the ambulance pulls away. Catherine is beside you, Warrick beside her, and you are not surprised when Grissom tells Ecklie that he wants his team back. And that is what the five of you are, Nick, Catherine, Greg, Warrick and yourself, you are Grissom's team. You barely catch Ecklie's nod out of the corner of your eye and you inch slightly closer to Grissom's side. You want to take his hand and reassure him that everything will be okay. You have Nick back, he's safe now, and you've got the team back. Everything will be okay now.

As the dust from Nick's rescue finally begins to settle, Warrick turns to you and tells you that he is going to go, asking you if you want to join him at the hospital. You tell him that you'll stop by later, that you want to give Nick time to rest. Catherine leaves silently with Warrick, leaving Grissom, Greg and yourself standing together a few feet away from what was nearly Nick's make-shift grave. You hear Greg say something about helping days collect evidence and then he's gone and you and Grissom are standing alone. You are both quite and still for a few moments before he turns to look at you. There is a silent question in his eyes and you nod slowly, following him silently to the truck.

Neither of you speaks as he drives you toward his townhouse. His hand grips yours tightly where they rest together on your knee and you squeeze back gently. You watch him out of the corner of your eye, taking in the tense set of his shoulders, the way his jaw is working back and forth. He is staring intently at the road ahead of you but you know he has other things on his mind. Your heart is beating roughly in your chest and you can't help but wonder what the action is a response to.

You let your mind wander back to the hours before Nick was taken from you. You focus on the way Grissom touched you, on the way he held you in his arms. Your first time together had not been the way you had imagined it. You had figured that, after so many years of pent up sexual frustration, it would be quick and rough and mind-blowing. But you were surprised at how gentle and calm you had both been and, even though you wouldn't consider it 'mind-blowing', it had certainly been worth the wait. Afterwards, while you lay curled up at his side with his fingers twisted in your hair, you were able to sleep soundly for the first time in months.

It had been a few hours later that you'd been woken by Grissom's raised voice. You were soon informed that Nick had disappeared and neither of you spoke as you rushed to get dressed. As you'd driven yourself to the lab you were amazed at how easy it was for the two of you to slip from lovers to co-workers again. And when you had arrived, the panic-stricken part of you took over as the search for Nick had begun.

Before you realize it you are pulling into the driveway of Grissom's home. You both get out of the car wordlessly and he meets you at the front, taking your hand and walking you to the front door. Once you are inside and the door is closed behind you, you find yourself pinned to the wall in the entryway. Grissom's mouth drops on yours and you are not surprised by the urgency in his kiss. Your own emotions are bubbling over and you can't help but meet his kisses, rough and sweet. You make your way down the hall to the bedroom, articles of clothing marking the path. When you fall onto his bed together you know there are tears in your eyes and you aren't sure why they are there but you don't really care. You let him make love to you, his movements staggered and hurried and it is as amazing as you could have ever asked for.

When you are lying together in his bed, the sheets twisted awkwardly around your body, his heartbeat thrumming against your ear, you realize that you finally feel at home. His fingers are drawing small circles on your shoulder when he whispers into your hair. It takes a moment for his words to register with your sated brain but you are fairly certain that he just told you he loves you. You have no problem saying it back.


End file.
